They didn’t say it to my face. They told me through sayings and proverbs and clichés and truisms like “gravity always wins” and “the only things certain in life are death and taxes”. They told me it couldn’t be done. That even trying would be an affront to nature itself.

But they were wrong. It could be done and this morning, it was done. I did it. I stood up to the self evident truth and challenged it to a duel. I spit on the ground at its feet, slapped its face with a glove, raised my clinched fists to signal my readiness for battle. In my bathroom at approximately 10:36am EST on Saturday June 27, 2009, I put toothpaste BACK in the tube.